The only problem is you’re not allowed to touch them.
It’s like going to the pet store and seeing the cute puppies behind the glass but not being able to pet them. Your Dick Won’t Hurt the Baby Speaking of sex, let’s get this one out of the way right now — your penis will have no effect on the baby in your wife’s womb. I don’t care if you’re on par with Ron Jeremy or not, your dick is not going to scare the kid and it’s certainly not going to poke him in the forehead.
I ate some of MJ’s chocolate once and when she went to find it during a craving and saw that it was gone, she flew into a rage that was one of the scariest things I’ve ever seen. That’s why I thought absolutely nothing of pointing out my wife’s really cute swollen belly. ” It didn’t matter that in my eyes she never looked more beautiful or that she was SUPPOSED to be gaining weight. And in a fit of irony, I just asked MJ to give me more examples of Pregnancy Brain, but she couldn’t — because she can’t remember. Goodbye Sense of Humor The good news is she’s gained a baby. There wasn’t enough room for the baby AND her sense of humor.
You have a 1-2 week window where her sex drive returns early in the second trimester.
Enjoy that, because it’s not happening again until very late in the pregnancy.
And that’s when I get the “I’M NOT MADE OF GLASS, STOP TREATING ME LIKE A PRINCESS! Oh well, husbands/boyfriends of pregnant women are damned if we do and damned if we don’t. Their bodies are growing, stretching and changing to accommodate said life. Case in point, a disturbing trend has emerged in the Daddy Files household the last few weeks.
MJ has not only stopped doing dishes, she’s no longer even attempting to put the dirty dishes in the sink.
When it comes to handling pregnant women, I’m no expert. Feed Her Constantly Everyone knows food is important to pregnant women.
Hell, I haven’t even figured out how to deal with women in general. Luckily for you, I’ve made just about every single stupid mistake and placed my foot so far in my mouth during MJ’s pregnancies that I’m overqualified to speak to you about things you need to know to avoid getting knocked out by the knocked up. But what the uninitiated might not realize is that time is of the essence.
Well I hope you spent money on a comfortable couch because that’s likely where you’ll be sleeping for a decent part of the pregnancy. You become increasingly irrelevant as the pregnancy wears on, but the 37 pillows — including that godforsaken full-body pillow — become absolutely vital nighttime companions.
And it’s not so much the increased space your pregnant wife takes up either. And when push comes to shove, you’re getting the shove to the sofa. Don’t Treat Her Like Glass Many men — myself included — feel very protective of their wives as is.
I don’t mind doing the dishes, but I do mind a counter full of crap. Because even if she’s lazy, not giving you any, won’t let you touch her boobs, can’t remember a thing, sleeping with the Pillow People, making you crash on the couch, putting on massive amounts of weight, and eating you out of house and home, it doesn’t matter. Seriously, just think about you complaining and what her response will be.
How hard is it to empty the dishes and move them ONE MORE FOOT into the sink??
So fire up the porn and give yourself a hand, because you’re now a sex camel my friend.